This is only a piece of who I am, haha. I could go on and on. I am a professional and a kid. I am serious and fun. I am patient, yet impatient. I am good and bad. I learn, I grow, I am slightly wild, but not in the way most people think. I am hungry, hungry for life, but first and foremost, as strange as I can be, I am also a human being.
I seek confidence, and change is time for me to have a voice to stop watching and consuming but to create – to be empowered to be that strong, present women I yearn to be. Time to focus.
I will take an entrée of happiness and a large side of joy please. I am extremely thankful to have more tools and support to make life plans and adjust accordingly. I will be more financially free this year to live my life, and even as I am in transition, I still will start living fuller, setting goals, this is one of them. Sigh, this year I intend to engage more, to reflect, but not so much alone, as I tend to get stuck in my thoughts. I read something interesting this fall about how animals read the info behind emotions, act, and then go back to life while people have a tendency to not let go, to ruminate, to brood. I believe art can be used as a medium to hold onto things, but it can also be used as a snapshot of our emotional life as a medium to write our own stories.
I want to mark down in this wonderful venue a few things I have learned about myself the last few years. I grew up with a proud religious label, and now I give myself a flexible spiritual label instead. Identity transition was conscious and difficult for me and took many years. I think some people don’t even think about their identities, while others feel like their identity sticks out like a sore thumb.
I think people who make choices outside of the cultural norm often are asked to explain themselves. For example, most people don’t feel like they have to explain why they watch TV, or drink beer, or go out with friends, but you know the outsiders feel some pressure to answer why they are different, why they read books, or run triathlons or dance in the moonlight. And maybe we should ask, regardless if our activities are not even questioned, ask ourselves why we do what we do. Is it due to our cultural conditioning, other people or our own hearts? Or is it simply for joy? Simply ask if what we do serves our best selves or not.
In everyone there is a fire, an unlimited energy, a divinity, but yes, our world has limits. And there is this struggle for everyone to access our divinity well on a regular basis, to access our best selves. Lately, I have been seeing Flow everywhere, that ultimate state of performance, and to me that is the state where records are broken, where greatness manifests, where we transcend meritocracy. I hope in the future that systems will be used more to help each quirky individual access their best selves.
Honestly, for most of my life, I did not care what people thought of me. I was proud of who I was, even though I wasn’t amazing, in my opinion. I was pretty confident. I was close to my family, moved around a bit and just stayed in my own little world of school, sports and books, haha. Really a naive girl. I did what people wanted me to do. I like to please, but I tried to simultaneously do what I wanted, haha.
After college, I felt literally pulled apart by what felt like several opposing identities, and I still don’t feel comfortable because I do not yet have my independence and a healthy structure of life that fits me or that I fit into. My inner and outer world still don’t match.
My deviation from my religious path was due only in part to my confused sexuality. There were other aspects of my life that just didn’t seem to fit. I just don’t feel like I fit into religion, and I didn’t want to bridge that gap. That doesn’t appeal to me. It hurt cutting myself away. There still is anger, sadness and shame I feel that I will never be who my dad wants me to be, and that still bothers me. It may always bother me.
There is simply synergy being in step in harmony with those around you. There is stress being incongruent with those around you. I used prayer as a ritual to orient myself to good and reinforce my actions to keep perspective, to ground me. I was told I needed to change to grow up, to be an adult.
I love religion, just not the rules. Can’t I cherry pick? Many people do, Haha! Hey, there are people who are gay who keep their religion. Heck, I have read about it and know people. I just wasn’t one of them, and again, I say there were many other factors. In reflection, I think part of it is I can be a little all or nothing, black and white!
One of my favorite books is Eat, Pray, Love. When I think of that book I remember that yes you can create your own rituals, your own religion. I am still searching, but I have hope. I will find peace in my life. I have been quite a recluse lately in my personal life. I guess as I am not completely out of the closet, and well, lack of availability in my schedule, and well, my kind of people, I find books a safer feel-good haha.
Sigh, I like to Do things with like-minded people in-person, not talk to my friends on the phone. Oh well, my sister definitely keeps me company, and I know I am more idealistic than most people. At this point in my life I really need the support and love of like-minded people. I am picky about my close friends, about people I think you should be around. No one has time to be really really close to everyone, and you are who your friends are.
I don’t yet feel I have control of how I use my cards, those facts about my life, that unique combination of what makes me me. I am in the process of really transitioning from self-help books to action and community haha. Now is the time to reach out to people without too much baggage, a clean slate and follow through.
I struggle a lot with vulnerability. I seem to be drawn to books about that topic when I am not even looking for it. I value honesty and congruency and truth, yet I struggle A Lot with perfectionism and defensiveness. May I remember that love and faith are greater than fear, and that I have tools that I didn’t have, that I believe in change and I that I am making a plan for my business and changing my life.
I have changed even with much heartache and confusion. Imagine what the future will be like. I have finally stopped trying to straighten out and have, yes, gone on dates with other girls, and my love from college decided that for her being with another girl just doesn’t fit in her life. So dating has been good, Really Really good, even if it hasn’t gone far, goodness, not far at all. Where are all the girls at? Sigh, I found one I really really like who lives far away. I really do think this girl could be a great match for me, the same kind of crazy, a friend if nothing else, maybe we will meet up soon, fingers crossed. I will find someone that can join me. I have faith and for that I am grateful.
What is The Human Experience? It is the validity in your story and the story of 7,000,000,000 other people in this world. How do you put a label on being human? You don’t. You open your heart and listen. This is the foundation of our publication, The Human Experience, and we want to hear your story. Join us in spreading the diversity of the human experience with the world by sharing your story.